The Unforgivable Curses

How much do you curse and why?  

I can’t curse. Ok, fine I can but I feel incredibly uncomfortable when I do, and I sound like I’m saying something blasphemous when I do. There’s always that hesitation before I say a curse word, because when I was younger I never really heard these words being used. When I was younger I thought that by the time that I was in highschool, cursing wouldn’t be as foreign. I mean all the older kids cursed so I assumed that it was something that would come naturally as I got older. But I guess I never got into the habit. So the only time that I heard someone curse was when they were extremely mad or frustrated, and that related cursing to anger in my brain.

I can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve actually cursed. The total of two times happened during pretty intense moments of panic. One time, during a ballet performance, I made a massive mistake in a variation that was known for its synchronization. At the moment I realized I’d jumped into the “tambe” two counts too early I was devastated, upset and ashamed of myself. I’d spent 4 months perfecting this, and I’d just messed it up in a split second for everyone. Now just so you know, speaking on stage in a ballet performance is pretty common (if you were standing on stage with the dancers, you would hear random whispers of conversation and commands). So as I was leaping into the air two counts early, the s-word slipped out of my mouth. In the moment it felt totally appropriate. But now I still think of that moment and cringe, and I think that my reaction was justified. Cursing was like the Unforgivable Curses in Harry Potter, I thought that when you curse you had to mean it. And I don’t think that I’ve gotten upset enough times to use these words that much.

I used to get mad all the time. I would race upstairs to our TV room, and hide myself in the closet, peeking through the crack of the two doors. I was also the cry baby of the family. I think this made me embarrassed about showing emotion in public, because of people that used to make fun of me for crying. So now when I’m at school or ballet I don’t really show how I’m actually feeling. And my anger has been replaced by a general not caring.

On the other hand, at home I get in plenty of arguments with my parents and my brother. I don’t think I’ve ever really shown that I was upset with someone. My version of anger is just acting a bit colder, but I can’t hold that grudge for very long. At one point I realized that I’d gotten so good at hiding my feelings that when someone was rude to me, my brain would defend them and say, “they probably had a bad day.” This doesn’t mean that people don’t annoy me, but I can’t really be mad enough to curse.

Obviously I learned that cursing didn’t require anger. Once in awhile I spend time with people that curse just because they’re used to it and want to, and also with the Internet now, I’ve grown more and more used to hearing people swear. But at least in the near future, I don’t think that I’ll be spitting out curse words one after another. Although that’s just because I don’t ever have the need. I still resort to the once in awhile “shoot” and “crap” but even those have slowly dropped out of my vocabulary.